Sitting Still for a Moment–

–for the first time in a very long while.

Today I did laundry (2 loads) and made the bed. I opened all the mail and balanced the checkbook.  I ran a few places where errands demanded  and did some of the work that keeps money flowing in. But I am also reading blogs, and writing.  It’s been a long time.

Thank you  for the amazing support!

I swear I have felt it at my back when I was about to teeter over.

Because the problem is most immediately my child’s, I hesitate to give too many details and intrude on her privacy.

Suffice it to say that for the past month I have raced, galloped, crawled–clawed– my way through foreign territory.  As a parent I expected to deal with mumps, chicken pox, colds, pneumonia, mono, horrible behavior, temper tantrums, drug experimentation, horribly uncomfortable moments– you struggle to keep your face serious while you deliver a short, terse lecture on appropriate behavior in school, demonstrate how to insert a tampon or don a condom, challenge the school board because there is not one single person of color in the school system–except the janitor.  There’s the moment when you realize your daughter really should be allowed to play with Barbies even though you would prefer to let the Rottweilers eat the damn things.  And the moment your son decides to marry Barbie.

I never dreamed I  would face cancer.  I wasn’t prepared for this job.

Image

I like to be prepared.

This challenges EVERYTHING that is hard for me.

Security/Money: How the HELL will we pay for this?

Pride: I have to ask for help.

Even worse: I NEED help

Independence:  I have to allow help.

Faith: The world will be safe again.

Submission-to everything!

Procrastination–my greatest character defect absolutely can not be allowed to sneak in.  There are too many balls in the air.

Trust: If I had thought this could happen, would happen, I’d picture myself researching carefully, conducting interviews, analyzing the  literature, searching references for the perfect doctor, the perfect method of treatment. Instead, I trusted the pediatrician I picked years ago to do her job, resulting in  one month from niggling concern to first treatment.

There’s more, but you get the picture.  I’m frightened. I’m functioning.  I’m feeling. I’m asking for what I need.

Supposedly we are dealing with a very treatable disease with expected positive outcomes and a phenomenal recovery rate, and very small likelihood of re occurrence.  But she has 58 days of treatment hell ahead of her and I desperately need your good wishes.

Your HoH is Wrong Part III: True North

I’m not quite done yet.

Your HoH  will be wrong.  Any authority can be.

Will be.

Take a look at the long view.     Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.

But:

If you grow up in circumstances where authority can’t be trusted, rot creeps into your soul and giving way to authority is risky business.

Being an authority figure-of any sorts-is a responsibility not to be taken lightly. When–not if–you screw up, you hurt people. If you really screw it up, you can hurt them in their core.

If you grew up scarred, and you’re lucky, you learn to take care of yourself. You learn to recognize the false.

The sad part of this success story is– it becomes very hard to trust anyone completely. You might do a great job of faking it, but deep inside you know it’s your job to take care of yourself.
And it is your job.

But when you submit to authority, you should be able to trust your long term safety, your long term growth, your long term best interests are in good hands.

Your HoH can be, will be wrong.

Take a look at the long view.

It’s ironic, to be me, giving way.  And at times, it is also frightening.

“You trust him, right?”  A man in an on line forum asked me. “To know what’s best for you?”

I was dumbfounded.  Why would I do that?  Could I do that?

SHOULD I do that?

Eventually, I was able to answer: “Yes. I do.”

I spent much of my adult life helping wounded people learn to stand up and walk away from authority figures who didn’t  have their best interests at heart. I didn’t do this because I’m a nice person.  I was learning  to walk away myself,  by watching all of you who did it at my urging and with my support.

I still have to walk away, occasionally.

Sometimes the people you give the most power to, the people you love the most, reveal themselves in a split second. You don’t want to believe your eyes. You don’t want to listen to your instincts. You mutter the party line often enough in your head and you forget you saw that person, stark naked, for that brief, split fraction in time.
Well, you did.

Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.
If you came from that background-however nice it may have looked and even felt on the surface–doubting your instincts was an important tool they used to keep you fooled.

Are you always making excuses for your HoH?

Does your soul ache?

Often?

Trust your guts.
Walk away.

Your HoH can be, will be wrong.

Take a look at the long view.

Are you cherished? Encouraged? Supported? Caught safe in joyful strong arms as you come down?  Is your HoH working as hard as you are? Is there joy?

                                        Then take the long view. Enjoy.

Life and Lemons and Doorways

When life gives you

You can

or

This blog has meant a lot to me.  I’ve worked a lot of things out by writing here, and I’ve learned a whole lot more by reading other blogs.

For someone like me-with very little techie knowledge-there’s a million ways to screw up your anonymity.  I used a non techie one; I trusted the wrong person.  Just to make it worse-I’m been trusting this person for years.  When the threat to blow my anonymity first came through-subtle venom oozing towards me–I sat there dazed.

HE said:  Your Blog.

“Huh?” (Me. I can be VERY quick)

He pats me patiently on the head. :  Do you care if people know you’re Saoirse?

‘No.”

“Then you’re fine.”

I snuggle farther into his chest-which is now damp.

I continue to sob.  Which is not something I do often-unless under duress (wink wink) (see? I’m not techie enough to know how to put those cute little emoticons in here. 😦 )

“Do you care if the children  know you’re Saoirse?”

I shake my head. Causing my nose to chafe against his damp shirt.

I’m not a horrible mother, people.  The children are all a LOT taller than me (and believe me I am not short) and know I write OBSCENE FILTH.

“Do you care if people and the kids know OTHER THINGS about Saoirse?”

I may be slow at times.

But you don’t need to beat me over the head with a baseball bat to get MY attention.

So, I levitated from the bed, raced to the computer and like a real techie would–Made the blog private.

And since that time,  I’ve just made any AH HMMMN posts from the past– “private”.

I’ll have to think about a long term solution.

I could remove the threat.

                                                                                                                     

I could.

I’m ranked Expert by the US Army…..

                                                                     But, that’s not my style.

I try to be a warm gentle generous person.

Unless my cubs are threatened.

                                                                                                                                                                   Excuse me-He’s asking a question.

                                                                                                                                                                                                               You did too know I could shoot.

                                                                                                     

OK.

Back to threatening my kiddos:

NOT ADVISABLE.

For now-I’ll be visiting you all as usual.  And posting here in a more discreet manner.  I’ll be thinking about which door to walk through.

And we’ll see.

Thanks to you all for you kind support.