Dominance,Religion and Sanity

Twenty years ago I wouldn’t have believed I could write stories about dominance in relationships.  Unless I had been kidnapped by aliens.  Who were holding burning sticks to the soles of my feet.

Here’s the funny place my mind went today:

I’m very busy, and somewhat (HAH!) stressed by my life.

There are things I have to do if I’d like to carry my weight in this relationship-keep money rolling in, perform my duties as Household Manager.

There are things I want to do if I’d like to be a human other people would care to know-express my love for people, participate in relationships, be present in relationships.

There are certainly things I ‘d like to do just because: have a manicure and pedicure, work out, take a nap, READ A BOOK.

There are long term projects, tackled by priority-meaning when they come due, which is NOT how I like to live my life.

There are things I’m driven to do it I want to fulfill my promise to myself, (i.e. remain sane)-write.

Frequently I find myself racing thru the day with a hard knot in my stomach.. What have I accomplished from the list?  What should I do next?  Wouldn’t it be better to chill out? If I decide to just chill out, am I being undisciplined?  Does it really make sense to live like this? Should I try to get a prescription for medical marijuana and just calm the fuck down?

I mutter the Serenity Prayer to myself.

Years ago I began to make an effort to effect the serenity prayer in my own life. Initially,  Mind you, initially I was deeply offended by the idea that anyone could suggest they weren’t in control of their universe. I was certainly in control of mine!   Once I got the concept, I found it very soothing.  So today I ran a mental check list of what I was in control of.  The list was still too long.

It would have been very comforting if Someone  (A Dominant, perhaps?) had spoken clearly and told me: Look. Here are the five things you need to do today. Anymore would be insane.  No you’re not being undisciplined to let go of the others.   And since I’ve decided these things for you, you won’t need any medical marijuana. No, you haven’t been kidnapped by aliens. You’ve grown, matured, your ideas about things have changed, so letting someone else be in control no longer feels like an absurd idea.

No one said anything (other than inside my head).

I was forced to continue wrestling with these questions, as well as The List.

Ah hah! I thought.  Here’s where it would be very handy to have Someone in charge.

Like a Head of Household, an Authority Figure (male or female, I don’t care, whatever floats your particular boat).

or

(Sorry, I really don’t mean to offend anyone here,)

a god.

I’m a spiritual person, but I’m not religious, so I don’t have handily prescribed edicts easily applied to my To DO List.  In fact, my To DO List is formed by my spiritual beliefs……and if I’m going to revamp them I’ll need to go to Nepal and meditate for a Very Long Time and consult with Wise people . (Or, I guess, go to a 12 Step meeting)

My Significant Other is currently having a Major Life Crisis and has Things To Do besides looking at my To Do List, making decisions about it, and assuring me that it is ok to leave a LOT of them for tomorrow.  In fact, because of the Major Life Crisis I am honor bound to uphold my portion of our Mutual To Do List

Is it just me? Can one draw a comparison between the two concepts (HoH and god)?

Is an HoH sort of like a mini god? Or your local, private god-figure? god representative?

I believe in this post I have broken all kinds of rules on how to draw readers to your blog and encourage people to read your books.

Sigh.

However,

I feel much saner.

And I get to put a Big Blue Check Mark in the box in front of ‘WRITE’ for today……