I regularly read the blog written by green girl. I enjoy it. green girl always makes me think. Currently gg is wrestling with questions about what she can give up and what she wants to grab back and clutch with both hands. At some point gg turned over authority in their relationship to her husband. Almost immediately, after beginning a power exchange relationship, a person begins to obsess about what submission means. It seems pretty cut and dried– for about ten minutes.
If you are like me, an independent; competent woman; perhaps used to functioning and performing at a high level successfully, you are determined to do this submission business RIGHT. You filter everything through the lens of submission. Soon you drive yourself crazy.
Submission at the level of controlling ones behavior seems obvious enough. The dominant says “Do this.” or “Don’t do that.” But for the person starting out, a host of questions soon arises. Like: Right now? Always? What if the dominant isn’t around? Does it count if the dominant doesn’t notice? What if…..A) There’s a hurricane B) Someone points a gun at my head C) It’s the Rapture or D) All of the above
Sooner or later most dominants include levels of obedience and compliance that are open to subjective interpretation. Nuances of tone, facial expression, hand gestures and major muscle motions begin to come into play.
(p.s. Their interpretation wins.)
The dominants are also going through this process — from the other end. They have to pass everything through the opposite lens: Was there a need for dominance? Was that dominant enough? Did I say that was forbidden? Do I have to punish every time? What if my submissive is sick? PMS-ing? In labor? Was just fired? What if I was wrong?
And the smart ones eventually realize another problem: the submissive has gotten fed up with the paddling and is flying below the radar. Has gone underground. Smiling, polite, obedient. All the while thinking: You flaming ——–. Or, maybe, just off in a quiet interior space somewhere, where the dominant isn’t allowed. This tends to be labeled distancing, and is usually outlawed too.
After a period of some success, some failure, lots of talk, some unpleasant times OTK or NIC (nose in corner-I just made that up…..:) ) both dominant and submissive will feel like they have arrived. They got this!
No they don’t.
As long as the two of you are breathing, and dancing this dance, you will continue changing, growing.
Submission and dominance will continue to morph.
I’ve read this in other blogs-and I told gg in my comment–this business is about layers. This dance is like an onion. We peel one layer: -Thou shalt not say ‘whatever’ and find another-Thou shalt not roll your eyes.
I decided today, as I drove to an appointment and things got quiet in my mind, that I was wrong.
It’s not an onion. Sooner or later, if you stick to peeling–the onion is gone. You’ve removed all the layers and it no longer exists.
ttwd is a road.
Always under construction.
It’s a freeway.
It’s a pitted, dirt track, a washboard.
There are hills, valleys, detours, roadblocks, rest areas, bridges out, speed traps, and tolls.
It doesn’t end unless you quit.
And even then,
as some of us can attest,
it’s still out there.