Your HoH is Wrong Part III: True North

I’m not quite done yet.

Your HoH  will be wrong.  Any authority can be.

Will be.

Take a look at the long view.     Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.


If you grow up in circumstances where authority can’t be trusted, rot creeps into your soul and giving way to authority is risky business.

Being an authority figure-of any sorts-is a responsibility not to be taken lightly. When–not if–you screw up, you hurt people. If you really screw it up, you can hurt them in their core.

If you grew up scarred, and you’re lucky, you learn to take care of yourself. You learn to recognize the false.

The sad part of this success story is– it becomes very hard to trust anyone completely. You might do a great job of faking it, but deep inside you know it’s your job to take care of yourself.
And it is your job.

But when you submit to authority, you should be able to trust your long term safety, your long term growth, your long term best interests are in good hands.

Your HoH can be, will be wrong.

Take a look at the long view.

It’s ironic, to be me, giving way.  And at times, it is also frightening.

“You trust him, right?”  A man in an on line forum asked me. “To know what’s best for you?”

I was dumbfounded.  Why would I do that?  Could I do that?

SHOULD I do that?

Eventually, I was able to answer: “Yes. I do.”

I spent much of my adult life helping wounded people learn to stand up and walk away from authority figures who didn’t  have their best interests at heart. I didn’t do this because I’m a nice person.  I was learning  to walk away myself,  by watching all of you who did it at my urging and with my support.

I still have to walk away, occasionally.

Sometimes the people you give the most power to, the people you love the most, reveal themselves in a split second. You don’t want to believe your eyes. You don’t want to listen to your instincts. You mutter the party line often enough in your head and you forget you saw that person, stark naked, for that brief, split fraction in time.
Well, you did.

Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.
If you came from that background-however nice it may have looked and even felt on the surface–doubting your instincts was an important tool they used to keep you fooled.

Are you always making excuses for your HoH?

Does your soul ache?


Trust your guts.
Walk away.

Your HoH can be, will be wrong.

Take a look at the long view.

Are you cherished? Encouraged? Supported? Caught safe in joyful strong arms as you come down?  Is your HoH working as hard as you are? Is there joy?

                                        Then take the long view. Enjoy.

6 thoughts on “Your HoH is Wrong Part III: True North

  1. Again you are posing questions that can lead to endless debate. Trust isn’t something to be taken lightly. When you place your trust in a fellow human being you are placing your trust in someone knowing about their fallibility.

    It’s only through knowing someone’s every fibre that you can reach a point where you eventually let go and trust them to catch you. The problem lies if they fail. What then? Whose fault is it? Yours or theirs? Because maybe they failed to catch you because you let go before they were ready. Just think about trapeze artistes. The catcher MUST be ready. If you rush your catcher, then just maybe they are not quite synchronised with you. They haven’t finished putting chalk on their hands; they haven’t quite got the swing right; their legs aren’t sufficiently entwined in the trapeze ropes. So you can both fall.

    So whose fault is it then?

    Many hugs Saoirse, sorry to comment with yet another bunch of questions. I love your posts!


    • No, No! Thought provoking is good all the way around! You’re right, of course. The catcher-the spotter- has a great responsibility but so does the one falling. The person has to make a responsible choice for whom to trust, and has to make sure the catcher knows what they’re signed up for. And when I was still climbing (this is YEARS ago) the person who needed spotting, said: “On belay.”
      The spotter responded, when ready: “Belay on.”
      Until you heard that “Belay on” you didn’t move. And when you did move, you said: “Falling”
      In those days trusting people was very hard-even in climbing activities. That phrase lives in my heart at challenging times-in either role–spotter, or falling.

  2. One of the best parts of this journey has been coming to the point where, no matter how upset i am with him, even if i do know he is in the wrong, i also know that in the end we are going the same way and will get there together. It is a great comfort to be able to fall back on that long view in a tough “now”

    • Absolutely. I worry at times about folks making bad choices-but that’s not really mine to hold on to, is it? When we get it right-it’s right and all is well despite the rough spots.

  3. Agreed! We don’t hand our hearts over to just anyone. They must be worthy of our trust. Of course, that is something we each have to work out b/c we bring our own trust issues with us–but it can be worked out and so many of these men rise to the occasion when they are given an opportunity to lead. My husband says he can see it in my eyes when I am truly trusting him and in those moments he would do anything to not let me down. My gut tells me that there are a lot of men out there like that.

    • It’s a paradox to me. The more I hand over the more he meets the occasion. Here’s to great men! I think there are a lot of them, and maybe the trick is to ask them to be who they can be? Not the old days, when women were chattel, but not the more recent old days when I had a sign on my office door that read:” A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle”

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