He said (I am NOT kidding)  “You should feel the heat!”

???

WTF?

What’s he think?  He brings that gd#2!*&5! thing down on my ass and I can’t feel it?

Is that why he does it again? and Again? and AGAIN?

He thinks I can’t feel it?

I do feel it!

I feel it land, like a sharp bite the entire length of the hard round rolled rubber cord (yes-my friend-his favorite, Mr. Loopy) doubled back.

I feel the burn that simmers and sinks into my flank after the initial strike.

I feel the ache that lingers long after.

Then he does it again-IN THE SAME FREAKING SPOT and then he says.

“Just feel that!” Like he had just touched the cloth of Turin.

We were snuggling in bed, talking about the weekend.  It had been very busy-busier than I really like-but full of people we loved and often don’t see due to geography and life…..

“Sandra looked really, really tense.”  He said.

I nodded.

“It was hard, I think.   Jack was all Jack, all the time.  It gets a bit much. No matter how much you love someone they can still get on your nerves.  You know what I mean?”

He kissed my forehead and squeezed me tight to his chest, pulling me up a bit-so I’m  almost sprawled across him.

“I do.  There were times I wanted to put a pillow over your head and hold it there.”

I made a You- Wanted- To- Smother- Me- To- Death?  sound.

“Not to kill you-just to shut you up. Or get you to stop.”

He kissed my head again and brings a heavy hand down on my butt.

“Now I just whip your ass.”

I don’t have a handy entrance  in to this world-a view or philosophy that allows me to slip slide smoothly into submission. I don’t have a god who commands me to submit.  Mind you, I’ve thought it would be helpful to have one (a god) for many reasons.

My mother did.  This allowed her to handle a host of issues neatly.   Your heart is being broken? “God has a Plan”  You’re flunking Statistics and need a ‘Pass’ to graduate?  “God will never send you anything you can’t handle”.  You want to have sex outside the apron of religious marriage and don’t see why you shouldn’t? “Because the Bible says”.   Why should you stay with an unhappy marriage? “Your Father has a Place for you in Heaven”

(I have no desire  to disrespect those people who are believers in religious tenets of one sort or another-I just don’t have them.  I’m a very spiritual person, and act on strong moral principles, but that’s another matter, isn’t it?  God can’t help my logical rational self submit to my husband.)

A man on a forum asked:  Surely you trust your husband to do what he thinks is  best?

Well.

Perhaps what he thinks  is best.

There’s the hitch.

If you’ve read some of my previous posts you’re already aware of my lack of excitement about turning control over to anyone.  And, bottom line, like the vast majority of the women I’ve ‘met’ here in this cyber world, I am extremely competent.  I do better at controlling things than most.  It’s a very good idea to put me in control.  It’s happened all my life.

I come from a long line of Very Competent People.  We are Regularly Left In Charge.  At a family gathering I had a conversation with an adored nephew.  He was a senior in college.  The Head  RA. The Chairman of This and President of That.  He was exhausted.  By then I’d a good ten years in church basements learning about powerlessness.  I’d discovered the beauty of giving up control-and did it judiciously in certain places.  I suggested there was benefit in having something done-however less than perfectly-if it was done by someone-anyone- else.

He looked at me as if I were mad.

I wasn’t.  I was just forty, and the world had beaten lessons into me.  He’ll get there some day.

I now willingly surrender control all over the place.  The orthodontist wanted me to watch a  two hour Power Point presentation which carefully demonstrated what was wrong with my daughters teeth,

presented three options for treatment, and predicted the path each option would follow.  I told him I’d done my research, chosen an excellent orthodontist and I wanted him to tell me what was best.  I have no problem with my children doing the wash differently than I want it done. My son refuses to skin garlic cloves with my easy method.  My husband doesn’t iron his shirts before taking me out to dinner.  Tra La La.  I don’t care.

My sister by the way-would give birth to an entire herd of cattle before she tolerated anyone doing the wash in an other than instructed Manner.  She has not sat in church basements.  She doesn’t give up control of anything.

Let my husband call the shots on crucial issues?  Chose a different path than the one I advise?  Truthfully, I almost always have gone with his wishes because I’m not utterly stupid and I do understand something about the male ego. He’s a laid back guy, not real picky about many things so I feel obligated to give way when he does express a preference.

I came to this-ttwd-slowly, over ten years. I want to submit to him.  I have asked him to take the reins.

Lacking religion, I squirm at times, still, struggling with why? I find my answers in the biology, the chemistry: the undeniable physical submission that courses thru my blood when he expresses his dominance.  I am left with evolution.  Survival of the fittest. Primitive essence of  male and female- Caves. Firelight.

Until now I have given myself the right to override.

Veto power, so to speak.

Occasionally I have used it.

When it comes to the children? When it comes to my chicks and their care?

Stand back.  There’s the line.  And I will kill you bare handed if I think I need to. Think mother lion, a grizzly protecting her cubs.  Rottweiler.

Rottweiler head (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m  not very comfortable yet with the idea of my husband disciplining me for my behavior.

Am I a child?  I’m an adult, and speaking respectfully is my job.  On the other hand, at least five or six times during the twenty years we’ve been together I’ve felt compelled to call him Dickhead.  There have been some Assholes in there too.

Thinking back, they always stemmed from me “protecting” in some way, my children.  Don’t misunderstand me here-my man is very tall. His shoulders seem to fill a doorway until you wonder if he’s going to make it through. As a result he’s spent his life attempting to NOT intimidate anyone.  He’d never lift an angry, uncontrolled hand to a child.  (And in fact, I believe he’s only lifted a controlled hand perhaps twice to each bottom in their lives.)  But verbally? He’ll cut you to shreds.  NOT with name calling-he’s inordinately proud of his record here.  But   ‘it’ will be your fault.  You will have behaved stupidly. He is defensive of himself, and accusing of the other.

And I, having grown up with rampant, cutting and liberal sarcasm, intelligently disguised verbal abuse and blame, trained professionally in mending scarred psyches, I will not allow my children to be verbally savaged.  I confront.  He retaliates.  I refuse to back down. He ups the ante.  I whip out a dickhead or two and toss in an asshole….

   I know that’s unacceptable.  I promise to stop.  I think it is utterly my job to control my mouth and absolutely if I fail, he has the right to express his displeasure.

I know I can express my opinion respectfully and argue passionately, albeit  politely.  And then what?  What if he sticks to his guns?  I know it is then the ‘right’ thing to submit and I’ve lots of great examples of powerful women putting their money where their mouths are.  Is there ever an exception?  I guess we’d all agree about serious physical harm, or criminal activities.  Any others?  Do I ever get a pass at taking it back?

And what about when he IS an -less than stellar human male?